Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I think my favorite phrase is "WTF?". I seem to be either saying it or thinking it SEVERAL times a day.

I've mentioned in some of my past posts that I have my 15 year old niece living with us. It is due to some odd circumstances . . . .

My sister-in-law (yeah - my husband's sister) called me back in March. Turns out she was in some trouble with the courts - they were finding her in contempt of court for not selling her house in accordance to the divorce decree (which had been official in March a year ago). I got her a cracker-jack attorney, and took a vacation day to go with her to court. Because of my good deed, she got off on the contempt charge, and I hit the jackpot - I will be found in contempt if I don't sell her home by July 26th. I'm a realtor; it is what I do - sell houses. How hard could it be (famous last words)? I've been doing this for a while now ..... piece of cake. NOT.

I get the house key from my sister-in-law and head over to the property so that I can get started. I don't even know where to begin here . . . have you ever seen one of those really, really bad houses on "Cops"?? This was worse. I could smell the cat piss from over 10 ft away from the door.

I hadn't been in this house for over 20 years - and that was only one time. And she only lives about 5 minutes from me. She never hosted any family gatherings; never had a birthday or a holiday at her house; never had a niece of nephew sleep over. We all knew there were problems with her husband, but didn't really know the full extent. He has been out of the house since this past December - the middle child (age 19) had to go to court and file a restraining order against him after he *punched* her square in the face. He is now living in an abandoned warehouse somewhere in the city. It turns out - and I'm not a psychologist - that he is a combination of hoarder and schizo or bipolar. Messy business.

Anyways, I go into the house. The aroma was enough to make me gag. Minimum of ten cats (that is all that I saw to actually count). Turns out they have been cross-fucking each other. Nize. All of the furniture is trashed. Nothing is salvageable. My 23 year old nephew never leaves his basement bedroom. My 20 year old niece sleeps on the basement floor on top of blankets. My 15 year old niece shares a bed with her mother. It is a 2-family house, and the trash and crap in the staircases (front & back) make it impossible to navigate. I do finally make it up to the 2nd floor. The crap is literally floor to ceiling, with only a skinny aisle way throughout the entire apartment. Propane tanks lining the staircases (and no working smoke detectors). And these are his "treasures". He calls my sister-in-law every week to threaten her - "You better not be getting rid of my stuff!".

I meet my sister-in-law after she gets out of work that day. I tell her that I am a mandated reporter to DCF (Dept. of Children & Families) and that the minor child can not be living in those conditions. That she can either place the child with me, or take her chances with DCF. She lets me take my niece to my house; she doesn't fight me at all. I cried when I got home that night. The worst part was that she didn't fight me.

That was in March. It is now almost June, and she has made little progress in getting out of that firetrap.

I've brought her to apartment after apartment. I found her a *great* one. In her price range, neighborhood she's happy with, 3 large bedrooms, HUGE bathroom, nice kitchen (fully applianced) and a parlour/living room combo. Hardwoods throughout, and clean, clean, clean. And washer/dryer in the basement - no more lugging dirty laundry to the laundromat.

She is supposed to move in for June 1st. Less than a week away. Has she talked to the other realtor yet? Has she signed the contract yet? Do I still have her kid?? Oh yeah. No progress. She just came over, and I just about *sat* on her to get her to talk to the other realtor. Contract will be emailed to me tomorrow, and I will sit on her again to have her sign it. And if she doesn't take back custody of HER KID by mid-June, I will contact DCF myself. Hard to say that, but I will. If I were in her shoes, I would have had an apartment within a week. WTF. (you see why I keep saying that???)

And, as I think most of you know, the situation between my husband and I is strained (God, that is an understatement). His latest "threat" to me is to tell my sister-in-law to just take her kid home. Boy, I chewed him up one-side and down the other for that. I asked him if he wanted to take the blame when she ends up in some crappy foster home because he is an asshole. Turns out, he doesn't. Doesn't surprise me; not much that he wants to take responsibility for! LOL.

Wish me luck (and diplomacy). I do love my niece, but she does *not* love being here. She wants to be with her family, and she only sees me as the person who took her away from that. I get it; she is just 15.

Trust me on this - I *will* be the asshole in this entire mess! I took her kid away from her; I forced them out of their home; I sold the house for pennies and gypped everyone out of a profit (oh yeah - did I mention that my father-in-law is the lien-holder on the property???). My life is NOT dull. Thank you all for listening. It helps to vent.


Folks - don't be shy. Please comment. Am I doing the right thing?? Should I back off??

Monday, May 25, 2009

When push comes to shove . . .

Went to a great Memorial Day weekend cookout yesterday. Surrounded by people who love me, no matter what. My sister and her husband, and her husband's family - who have "adopted" me as their own.

Home around 11:30pm - not too horrible. Take my nightly muscle relaxant so that I don't clench my jaw so tight during the night, that I can't get it open the next day.

Awakened around 2am by husband handing me his cell phone - "Here - SHE wants to talk to YOU." SHE being our 18 year old who was staying at a friend's house for the night.

She is sick; been throwing up since midnight. She thinks she is throwing up blood, and she has a terrible migraine. She wants me to come get her across the city.

I hang up with her, and start throwing on clothes, and looking for my glasses (I'm blind as a bat!). As I'm dressing, I stop, and say "FUCK - I just took my muscle relaxant at midnight!!!". Absolutely no response from her father - other than him rolling over in bed.

For the past month or so, he has been playing the "good father". And I am therefore the "bad mother" in comparison. He has been the one who has grocery shopped, cooked dinner every night, driven the 17 year old to school each day, etc. My participation in the family has been invisible, for lack of a better word. I'm the one working two jobs, doing all of the laundry, cleaning the house (sometimes), taxes, bills, FASFA's, etc. My "duties" are invisible. It is fine when two people are in a partnership. Not so great when they aren't.

Back to the present - I start driving to find her at 2:10am. I am totally directionally challenged. Even though I have been to her friend's house several times, I can't for the life of me remember where it is. Especially under the influence of muscle relaxants. I call her on her cell, and she talks me through it. I find her, and I get her home. I make her a ginger ale, take her temperature, coax her into eating an apple sauce, and get some Excedrin into her (no better pill out there for migraines). Turns out that the "blood" she was puking was strawberry daiquiri's. And the migraine was triggered by a visit to a Huka bar. She is so NOT a partier. She was fine once the pills kicked in..

I get into bed a little after 3am. I'm shaking at this point; combination of the meds, lack of sleep, adrenaline, and too much gardening over the past two days. He wants to know why in the world I am so angry with him. WTF? He's kidding, right? I tell him, and he still doesn't get it.

When push comes to shove, I hope they will know who is the one there for them. Forever. That is all I can ever hope for - that they know.

Friday, May 22, 2009


I first met him my junior year in high school. He was a tall and lanky senior. He had been in a bad car accident, and had a cast on his leg, crutches, pins coming out of the cast, etc. We were in the same political science class together with Mr. Dwyer. I can't remember what the particular "lesson" was that day in class - Mr. Dwyer wasn't big on "lessons" - but I do know that the whole class was seated in a large circle, and we were to write anonymous notes about our classmates, and Mr. Dwyer would read them aloud. Torture, to be sure.

I think I still have the note that Kevin wrote about me. Somewhere in the debris of my basement. Everyone in the class knew that he wrote it. I think that his blush gave him away when the note was read aloud.

The note was an invitation to a date. I accepted. He couldn't drive - the leg that was broken was his gas pedal foot. We doubled with his twin brother. I don't remember how many dates we were on. It doesn't really matter. I liked him. I remember snippets of time we spent together. At DeeDee's house for a party; he freaked out when he heard sirens. I remember thinking that he may be on something as we made out. The song "Behind Blue Eyes"; him telling me that that song explained him. At the rest area; me jumping out of the car to pick some wildflowers to put in my hair. Him getting upset because I was barefoot and could have cut myself. On a date, stopping to park, but it was on railroad tracks. Us getting off the tracks with just seconds to spare. before the train came blasting through. Me climbing into the back seat of his brother's car (after him - he still had the cast), and my hand accidently brushing his cock. Him and his brother laughing their asses off at my embarrassment.

I went to his graduation that June; I was hoping to meet up with him at an "after party". I couldn't find him, and I didn't see him again. Ever.

Four years ago he calls me. Twenty four years from when I had seen him last. We talk on the phone for almost two hours (me with my office door closed, praying I won't get fired). We talk about life, our kids, our spouses, our jobs, our families, our lives. A lot to cover. Again - just snippets of the conversation that I remember. How much he loves to hang out on weekends with his brother. How he loves his hobby - motorcycles. How much he loves his 9 year old son, and his wife who almost wouldn't marry him, and that he had to woo for seven years. His brother rings in on his other line. I hear them talking and laughing. He comes back to the phone; he tells me that his brother says "hi". He tells me that he always felt bad about the way we "ended". We promise to keep in touch.

Five months later, I am in my office. Reading the newspaper. I turn to the local section; the obits. My heart drops. I think it is his name. Thank God. It isn't. It is a name nearly identical to his.

Oh my God. The NEXT obit over IS his name. "Died unexpectedly". Complete shock. There is no one I can call. No one I can ask. I close my office door and cry.

How do you mourn the death of someone you loved twenty-four years ago? When you both have had twenty-four years of life that has been completely separate? When you both have married others, and had children?

You do it quietly and silently. But, you do mourn. And you do grieve. And it never really ever leaves you. Even when it has been four years since he passed.

Here's to you, Kevin. I loved you. I couldn't tell you that then, so many years ago. I was a shy, young 17 year old. But I can tell you that now. And every fucking time I hear "Behind Blue Eyes" I think of you.

I'm a senior in high school without a care in the world. All is right in my world. It is a typical Friday night, spring-time. I'm wearing my Levi's (29W, 36L - damn - I was skinny and tall), cute blousy top, and my jean jacket. Gotta be cool. Hair perfect; looking good. Going to a bonfire with all my friends in the woods in back of Mark's house. Perfect location - no houses around - the woods back up to a golf course. Full moon, clear ski, and a blazing bonfire. Beers - bottled, of course (obviously ice cold - can't you just taste it?). Laughing, talking. With all of my best friends, and all of their friends. Smoking some pot - not a lot - I'm not a good pot smoker. Huddled with my friends close to the fire to stay warm.

Arrive at home, just in time for "curfew". Grammy is up waiting for me. Wonderful.

Her arms crossed, "Where have you been?". "Out with my friends; Mom knows where I was", I reply. "You smell like smoke", she replies (and oh boy, the TONE in that statement). I slink off to bed.

Fast forward:
Last night; May 2009

44 years old; need my hair colored and cut (where the *fuck* did all of those grey hairs come from???) . Work 2 jobs; go to school full-time; have 2 kids; unhappily married. Started my day at 5:30AM. Woke up my 17 year old so he can get in the shower, and I can get him to the bus stop for 6:30am. Jump in the shower; get dressed; pull hair up in a clip. Drive him to bus stop. Put on make up in front of 15 other high-schoolers all waiting for the bus. Drive back home and wake up 15 year old niece so she can get in the shower, and I can get her to school for 7:15am. Drop her off, and start my day at work by 7:30am. Work until 3:3opm. Start second job and meet crappy client and show him two condos. Two condos that he selected out of 30+ in his price range and criteria. He wants to know if I have anything "special" to show him. Nope - I don't - just these two condos that he wanted to look at. Dump sucky client and go to Applebee's for a drink (or two). Meet up with a friend, and help him with his laundry at laundromat. Go to discount store (like a Salvation Army), and pick out 10 tops and 2 pairs of pants. $63 total. Thrilled. Go back to Applebee's with friend and show off my bargains. Have a "2 for $20" deal - 2 meals & appetizer for $20. Another bargain!

Arrive at home around 8:30pm. 18 year old (home from college) daughter is waiting for me. Wonderful.

Her arms crossed, "Where have you been?". "Out with my friends", I reply. "I expected you home a lot earlier than this", she replies (and oh boy, the TONE in that statement). "My appointments took longer than I thought", I reply. "Hmmph", she says. "Well, I assume you've eaten dinner; and I had made you a plate. Where did you eat?", she says. "At Applebee's", I reply. "Hmmph", she says. I slink off to bed.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm not a faker.

I'm a crappy liar.

Sometimes the truth sucks.

And the truth is, I'm not in love with him anymore. I care about what happens to him; I want him to be happy, but I'm not in love with him. I haven't been for a long time now. Like I said, the truth sucks - it took me a long time to accept this myself.

He loves her. And I accept that. But neither he or she (is that proper grammar?) accept that they love each other. They think that if they "pretend" that they're not together, then everyone (who is everyone, anyways??) will think better of them, and worse of me/us. Why? They are only hurting each other. WTF??

He is with her now, but they would never admit it. And nor would I ever say anything. Because I really don't care. I only care that she is using anything she knows about me against someone I love.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My life is stranger than fiction

Okay, I'm back after a five month hiatus. What a long, strange trip its been.


Just finished school (yeahhh!!) - all "A's"! One more year to go. Ten more stinkin' classes - BUT - they are all on-line. I can handle that.

Filing for divorce soon (but not soon enough). Waiting for mortgage modification so I can stay in the house until the kids get out of high school (youngest). Trying to get caught up on the mortgage before filing!! Sucks.

Have determined that (hopefully) soon-to-be-ex might be slightly crazy. He threw a complete nutty on 18-yr-old daughter last Friday for NOT going out with friends and partying! God forbid we have a responsible, mature daughter that wants to study for her finals and write papers for college. What a terrible shame. Have determined that soon-to-be-ex's GF is not only crazy, but downright certifiable. Having *NO* contact with his GF has been a wonderful thing (yeah, I know - that is just plain fucked up that I even ever had contact with her - that is part of "stranger than fiction" part; to be expounded upon at a later date).

Have made some incredible new friends this year (you know who you are!).

Have (unfortunately) attracted a fairly creepy attorney (no - not my divorce attorney). Daily frickin' emails from him wanting to get together for drinks/bite to eat and/or dirty jokes. Flattering (a little), but he is a typical attorney - just wants to talk about himself, and is pretty full of himself. [Sorry to any attorneys reading this; I know that you're not all the same! BUT - it does seem that male attorneys of a certain age ARE pretty much the same.] Waiting to get my grade posted before I totally blow him off. Oh yeah - I didn't mention that?? He was one of my professors!

Inherited a 15-year-old niece (now living with me) due to a difficult home situation (which I am completely AND legally embroiled in). Just adding to the fun!!!! And crap, who knew that adding one more member to the household could generate that *much* laundry!!! Wow.

I haven't been feeling too "pink" lately; more "blue". I'm going to wait it out; don't really want to change the name of my blog to "In the Blue" - sounds depressing!

Haven't followed through on many (any??) of my New Year resolutions. Still smoking (but a lot less); still biting my nails :( ; yada, yada, yada.

Kids are great (thank you God). If they are good, then I'm good. But -I need some resolution; some calm in my life. Boy oh boy, I'm hoping that the next couple of months will be better.