Procrastination seems to be my middle name these days. If there is something I can put off (cleaning the house; paying bills; doing my loan modification; filing for bankruptcy; filing for divorce), then by golly, I am putting it off! And it is driving me nuts. As a result of not DOING the really important things that I should be doing, I'm not doing ANYTHING. And that includes posting. About the only thing these days that I have energy to do is laundry. Okay - it's not because I have the energy to do, it is only because I absolutely MUST do it.
I'm excellent at making all kinds of excuses. Busy at work. Busy with second job - working until 8 or so at night, plus weekends. Too much laundry to do. Hung-over (okay, that's not such a good one).
What is my problem??? I think it goes a lot deeper than just simple laziness.
I think I am afraid. Afraid of the big changes that are going to result when I take care of the shit on the above list (and no, I'm not talking about cleaning the house). Afraid that the mortgage company won't give me a loan modification, and then how in the hell am I going to be able to keep the house? Afraid of actually filing for divorce - please don't laugh here folks - cuz I don't want to hurt his feelings (not to mention the guilt because of the kids). OMG - can you believe that??? Thank God my sister doesn't read this blog. She would *kill* me. This crap is not easy. And I hate thinking about it constantly. And waking up at 4am in a panic thinking about it. And I hate that I can't get the house cleaned because all that I think of is the other more important stuff I should be doing.
I'm scared. And I hate that feeling. I'm afraid of the unknown. Can I make it on my own? Will the kids be scarred? Can we divorce without it being nasty? Can I keep the house?
Thanks for listening. I already feel better. Now if I could just finish up that damn loan modification . . .