Monday, June 15, 2009

Procrastination seems to be my middle name these days. If there is something I can put off (cleaning the house; paying bills; doing my loan modification; filing for bankruptcy; filing for divorce), then by golly, I am putting it off! And it is driving me nuts. As a result of not DOING the really important things that I should be doing, I'm not doing ANYTHING. And that includes posting. About the only thing these days that I have energy to do is laundry. Okay - it's not because I have the energy to do, it is only because I absolutely MUST do it.

I'm excellent at making all kinds of excuses. Busy at work. Busy with second job - working until 8 or so at night, plus weekends. Too much laundry to do. Hung-over (okay, that's not such a good one).

What is my problem??? I think it goes a lot deeper than just simple laziness.

I think I am afraid. Afraid of the big changes that are going to result when I take care of the shit on the above list (and no, I'm not talking about cleaning the house). Afraid that the mortgage company won't give me a loan modification, and then how in the hell am I going to be able to keep the house? Afraid of actually filing for divorce - please don't laugh here folks - cuz I don't want to hurt his feelings (not to mention the guilt because of the kids). OMG - can you believe that??? Thank God my sister doesn't read this blog. She would *kill* me. This crap is not easy. And I hate thinking about it constantly. And waking up at 4am in a panic thinking about it. And I hate that I can't get the house cleaned because all that I think of is the other more important stuff I should be doing.

I'm scared. And I hate that feeling. I'm afraid of the unknown. Can I make it on my own? Will the kids be scarred? Can we divorce without it being nasty? Can I keep the house?

Thanks for listening. I already feel better. Now if I could just finish up that damn loan modification . . .



Christy said...

It helps me to make lists and check things off as I do them. Make the big items into lots of smaller ones, and put some 'fun' things to do on the list too.

Maybe the best thing for you, if it turns out it HAS to be that way, is for you to find a new house...that won't be full of old memories.

Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

msprimadonna67 said...

I was walking in your shoes about five years ago--scared about the kids, scared about the house, worried about hurting his feelings (I know it's weird, but I felt like that too). But I can offer you hope--a possible light at the end of the tunnel. Though it may not work out exactly the way you think it might, it will be okay. Five years later, I'm poorer, but I've never been happier. The ex has also remarried, and is much happier. The kids are happy, healthy, and are loved by four parents. Most importantly, they now have a much more loving and real model for kind of partnerships I hope for them to find in their futures. My very best wishes to you, no matter what happens.