Finally. Progress. I have learned a couple of things over these past few weeks.

#1 Lesson learned

Getting something done feels *much* better than procrastinating about it. I finally paid all of our bills. Only two months behind on the mortgage. Caught up on everything else. I think I may sleep tonight.

#2 Lesson learned

Ignoring the pile of bills in my bag will NOT make them go away. I thought that if maybe I carried them around with me everyday, that would be as good as actually taking taking of them. Ummm, nope, it isn't.

Phone call received from (crabby) 18 year old daughter (while I am at work - in a meeting, no less) -

Crabby - "Mom. The stove isn't working. And I am hungry. "
Me - "Well, Crabby, what would you like me to do about it? I'm at work. Make something else."
Crabby - "I don't want something else. I want hash browns. Why can't I light it with a match?"
Me - "Because, Crabby, I don't want you to blow up. Wait until I get home." (this is said very, very slowly and patiently).
Crabby - "Fine." Hangs up phone.

One hour later. Phone rings - I'm still in meeting. Crabby again on the line.

Crabby - "I know why the stove isn't working." (said very pissily - if that is a word)
Me - "Why?" (with a sinking feeling in my stomach)
Crabby - "Because our gas was shut off!!!!!"
Me - "Fuck."

Oh yeah, folks. That was so much *fun*.

#3 Lesson learned

The mailbox does not have to be my enemy. I ignore my mailbox. I hate to open it. There is nothing in there but stuff that I shove into my brown bag and carry around with me - it is a literal monkey on my back.

However, today, I took a stand. I am not going to let this fucking mailbox run my life. And I am going to empty out my brown bag and only put things that I like in it. And I will deal with the shit I don't like. So, I emptied the mailbox. And yes, all of the crap bills were in there - but I dealt with them. But there was more than just bills in there.

There was a check for $62 for Crabby in there (refund on security deposit on her dorm room); a check for the Boy who lives in the Room above the Garage - $19 from the Federal Government; AND - drum roll please . . . .

A letter for me. I was awarded a $1000 scholarship towards my tuition for the Fall semester.

Thank you, God. I really needed that this week.

Baby steps

I am taking your advice - I am breaking down all of the baloney that I need to get done into some tiny, tiny baby steps!

1. Clean out purse of about 101 receipts. Stuff into a big envelope. Shove under desk at work.
2. Update Quicken file on-line. Cry when I see the balance in the account.
3. Pull loan modification out of my bag and stack it up nice and neat on my desk.
4. Stare at it for 10 minutes.
5. Go outside and smoke a cigarette.
6. Make conversation with the custodians.
7. Put loan modification paperwork back into my bag and go home for the day.
8. Arrive home; pour a healthy glass of merlot.
9. Listen to eldest bitch about she has so much to do, and not enough time to get it done in (note: I was home at lunch until 1pm, and she was still in bed).
10. Check all of my email accounts for the millionth time today. Respond to anything. (wishing that I had more joke email in my account so I could forward it)
11. Hunt down the thermometer to take son's temp - swine flu around these parts. Temp is normal. No swine flu.
12. Go into bathroom to find a clip to get my hair out of my face. How can I possibly work with my hair all in my face???
13. Look for TV clicker. Decide I'd be able to work better if Law and Order is on in the background. Can't find effing clicker.
14. Go out on deck for another butt. Take call from lien holder's attorney. Bat options back and forth.
15. Stare at bag on floor next to me (with the loan paperwork and ALL of our bills). Wish it would spontaneously combust.
16. Hit spell check on post, and see that it does not like the word "combust". WTF? That's a real word, isn't it??
17. Realize I still haven't found the effing clicker. Yell to non-swine flu son and ask him to get me the clicker from my bedroom.
18. Listen to daughter sigh. It's a hard life. Housework sucks.
19. Pull flashdrive out of bag and get Quicken updated on laptop. Cry when I see the balance. Was hoping that it would somehow change on my ride home from work.
20. Write a post instead of pulling that DAMN paperwork out of my bag.

See, folks - baby steps! It works!
(just kidding - I'm going to work on it now. Damn. I need another glass of wine).

Update on WTF

My thanks to all of you who responded to one of my previous posts about a family situation (niece living with me, etc.). See a previous post titled "WTF".

An update -

I had to go back to court on Friday with my sister-in-law. We were called in by her ex's divorce attorney's, because they want to get paid. They think that the value of the home is worth more than the two offers that I have on it (read above post - that will give you a *slight* idea as to the condition of the home).

So - my sister-in-law is most likely going to have to pay for a totally unnecessary appraisal (which will run her about $650), which is going to say that the value of the property is crap. Which I have already determined. And - it is money that she doesn't have to spend.

Good news - I did finally get the *entire* family out of the house and into their apartment. And it only took me two weeks to get them all out! AND - will the fun ever end - one of the multitudes of cats in the house HAD A LITTER! Oh joy! Now I have 13 cats to try and find a home for. And did I mention - I'm allergic??? So every time I go over to the house I break out into hives! Yes - I am having *so* much fun! (um, and I think one of the other ones is in heat, and is trying to hook up with one of her sons).

I was able to get some donations for my sister-in-law of sheets, blankets, comforters, towels, etc. (she couldn't take any of that with her; the smell that was on anything "soft" in the house couldn't be moved). Now I'm working on helping her to get food stamps and some furniture (dressers and a bed for her). However, it is hard to get her to sit down and do the necessary paperwork. However - the daughter (my niece) is now living back with her mom. Funny though, my laundry didn't seem to decline at all! What is up with that??

So - we are playing a waiting game right now. Waiting for her to get an appraisal; buyers waiting to possibly buy; attorneys waiting to get paid; lien holder (her father - my father-in-law) waiting to get paid. And me shagging all of the phone calls from all of the above!

Never boring . . . .

Procrastination seems to be my middle name these days. If there is something I can put off (cleaning the house; paying bills; doing my loan modification; filing for bankruptcy; filing for divorce), then by golly, I am putting it off! And it is driving me nuts. As a result of not DOING the really important things that I should be doing, I'm not doing ANYTHING. And that includes posting. About the only thing these days that I have energy to do is laundry. Okay - it's not because I have the energy to do, it is only because I absolutely MUST do it.

I'm excellent at making all kinds of excuses. Busy at work. Busy with second job - working until 8 or so at night, plus weekends. Too much laundry to do. Hung-over (okay, that's not such a good one).

What is my problem??? I think it goes a lot deeper than just simple laziness.

I think I am afraid. Afraid of the big changes that are going to result when I take care of the shit on the above list (and no, I'm not talking about cleaning the house). Afraid that the mortgage company won't give me a loan modification, and then how in the hell am I going to be able to keep the house? Afraid of actually filing for divorce - please don't laugh here folks - cuz I don't want to hurt his feelings (not to mention the guilt because of the kids). OMG - can you believe that??? Thank God my sister doesn't read this blog. She would *kill* me. This crap is not easy. And I hate thinking about it constantly. And waking up at 4am in a panic thinking about it. And I hate that I can't get the house cleaned because all that I think of is the other more important stuff I should be doing.

I'm scared. And I hate that feeling. I'm afraid of the unknown. Can I make it on my own? Will the kids be scarred? Can we divorce without it being nasty? Can I keep the house?

Thanks for listening. I already feel better. Now if I could just finish up that damn loan modification . . .

mel