3 plus years later....

Let's see.... 1 divorce Added 5 chickens and 4 cats and 2 more dogs to the zoo Added a live-in boyfriend Brother still living with me Graduated with my BSBA In graduate school (with my daughter) Both kids still living at home (23 and 21) Added two more kids (son's best friend and son's girlfriend) And. My sister's cancer has metastasized to her liver and bones. Stage 4. Incurable. She is not only my sister, but my best friend. I don't know I can I can exist without her. She is me; I am her. We are sisters.

Some things are so much better. And so many things are still the same. And I am getting discouraged waiting and trying for the change to happen. You can't force change. I know that you can "assist" it. And I have been. I've been trying my darnedest (is that a word?). And now I have to shift it to my damnedest. Karma and luck - please - stop fucking with me!

The past couple of weeks have been eventful. Ahem. (understatement)

Lets see - car accident (I hit daughter's car in the DRIVEWAY. $3300 damage to MY car. $500 deductible. And yes - surcharges will apply.

Home modification - denied. Have Wells Fargo as mortgage company (how lucky can a girl get???). Re-applied. For the fourth time. Good times. (and did I mention that they just sent me a letter saying they are going to be begin "acceleration" of my loan - foreclosure - unless I come up with $6,300 by March 9th? Of this year?)

Home equity loan modification - was offered a 25% reduction in payments, and a 70% increase in terms. Yeah, thanks. But no thanks. Re-applied! But not after a "fight" with employee of company when he told me that he was giving me a "great deal". He shut up when I countered with the 70% increase in terms....wonder why???

I work in a school, for a pittance of a salary. But it is still a job, with great benefits (health care!). Waiting to find out (will know by tomorrow) if our school is going to be closed & ALL the staff to be pink-slipped for bad student performance. Ummm. I data enter. I put in attendance, grades, schedules, enrollments. I could go to work naked and no one would ever see me. But, apparently, I am at the same risk of losing my job.

Divorce attorney. (this one is a THANK GOD - FINALLY).

FAFSA's for three. Read "Vodka Mom's" post on FAFSA's - an absolute riot. (sorry VM - I suck at figuring out how to link. Give me a break - first post I've done since the fall!)

Taxes. Do I have to say anything more?

Attempted break-in at my house. Twice. In one night. In the middle of the night. The night before my much dreaded annual exam. Nothing like changing the codes on the garage at 2am. In a tee-shirt and underwear. Fun, folks, fun. (hmmm - anyone want to place a bet on the soon-to-be-ex and his GF?? - he's the only other one with a clicker - which I now have back in my possession).

And then my annual exam. First - all those itchy, itchy bumps on my legs and ankles. Hives. Stress. Second - lump in breast. MRI scheduled for next week. Have I mentioned that every female in my family has died of breast cancer by age 52. All pretty much diagnosed by age 46. Hello. I turn 46 in June. And it is in the same breast that I have already had to have an excisional breast biopsy in. I can't believe that there is even enough left there to lump up!

Have you ever wished that you had a magic glass that you could look into and see what the future holds? I have....and then it makes me nervous. What if I see something horrible? What if things aren't better? God forbid - what if they are worse? How would I get through the days to that "bad" day that I foresaw in the glass? Maybe these are the "good ole days"??

Note to Paul - I am TRYING to enjoy the ride. I really am. I count my many blessings every day. And you, my friend, are one of them.

It will all be okay. Just call me Alice. In the Looking Glass.

My bad

Is it bad to have a glass (or two) of wine before class???

I'm hoping that it's not, because I am on my second glass. Bad, I know.

Class starts at 6pm, and is pretty *dry* - Operations Management - and I haven't done ONE thing for the final project that is due next Tuesday. Did I mention that there are five us in the group, and the project will be about 30 pages total? And that they all need my contribution first to get going on theirs? Crap.

Oh - and I can't use my personal situation this week as an excuse. Tonight is the 6th week we've been in this class. In those 6 weeks: two of us have had spouses move out; one has had her fiancee diagnosed with cancer; one has her MIL in the hospital - dying; two of us have had the stomach flu; one of us has had the swine flu. We have been having SO MUCH FUN!!!!

I think I just need to get my ass in gear. Can anyone put a bottle of wine on a stick and entice me with it?

A new day

It's all good.

My house has laughter and noise in it again. Food cooking in the oven; bread baking; dogs sleeping; kids wrestling over the Wii.

I am happy, and I am sad.

It didn't have to get where it was, but it did. And now I'm fixing it, and it is working.

I know that I should be feeling something other than relief. But, no. It's mostly relief.

It was not a pretty night. There was no family sitting around the fireplace playing Monopoly while the dog slept in the recliner. But it did start out good. I came home from school, and my daughter came upstairs with me and we watched TV together in my bed. She was working on her homework. It was nice. Especially because he wasn't home. Always less tension when he's not here.

And then the door slamming began. As it has been for the past couple of weeks. And then the heavy, angry footsteps coming upstairs. He opened the bedroom door, and stood there all angry and puffed up (with his anger). Accused us of locking him out of the house. It was a stupid, unintentional mistake. It is a busy household. There are four cars total in the house now that my brother is living here. My brother came home and thought that everyone was here - all the cars were in the driveway. He did what the last person home always does - shuts the garage door, turns off the garage lights, and throws the deadbolt on the door into the house. And yes, you guessed it - he wasn't home yet. Thus the accusation that we locked him out.

We tried to tell him that we hadn't done it on purpose; that it was unintentional. There is no reasoning with a drunk; a lesson I have learned over the past twenty years. I gave up and went back downstairs to finish Hawthorne (great show!), and he followed me down (as did our daughter). She is a peacemaker - like I am - but she hasn't learned the lessons that I have finally learned after 20 years. There is no making peace when he's reached that point. She hugged him, told him she loved him, and that no one was locking him out. And as I was coming out of the bathroom, he gave me the finger. Nice. Especially nice in front of her. The *hate* coming from his eyes was scary. That was when I *finally* came to the realization that this situation has escalated beyond my control, and I need help. And I need to do something. Now. Immediately. There can be no more waiting.

I went back upstairs, as did my daughter. We watched a little more of the show; my brother came into the bed with us and watched TV with us. He said he had been cowering in his room. He was upset that he thought he was the cause of all of this.

Daughter went to take a shower; brother went back to his room. And then again with those footsteps on the stairs. Fuck. He *never* comes back up; he always passes out at that point on the couch.

"You win. You win. You win. You win. I can't live like this anymore. I'm out of here. You win. I'm out of here." Repeat. And then he left.

My brother is worried. He is worried about my safety. He is worried about my lack of understanding of the seriousness of what is going on. And he is right. I didn't see it clearly until tonight that this situation has escalated beyond my control, and it is not good for anyone. I thought I was doing the right thing for the kids; him still living here; keeping the house. It is not the right thing. My daughter is afraid. She told me tonight. She is afraid he'll do something to hurt me, and even them.

It is time. And so I am up at 1:00am on a Wednesday early morning. Fully dressed; glasses on; purse at my side. Cell phone charged and next to me. And I wait for morning to come. It is done, and I am ready to face it.

I know that all of the other bloggers out there will say - "Never apologize for not writing." I can't help it - I have to apologize - I am sorry for not being around. I have missed all of you, and I've missed writing. Venting is good for my sanity.

I just haven't been able to pull together enough energy to write anything decent (and by the sounds of it already, this post proves it!).

So - what have I been doing for the past month????

The house that I was working so hard to get closed (the one that I had to paint the interior of for the buyers) - didn't close. Title issues. Will most likely never close. Will be going to foreclosure. One year of my time. No commission. And I had hired three contractors to do the necessary work so that it would close - they won't get paid either. That was FUN.

The school that I work at and do the scheduling for? Yeah - I had to do THREE master schedules. That was FUN.

But - it wasn't all bad. My brother did move up here from Florida, and it is like a gust of fresh air in the house. My kids are happy that he is here as well (especially when he fixed everything wrong with Crabby's car - for under $20).

I DID finally complete a master schedule for the school I work at.

Crabby got financial aid from the government. Granted, it will have to be paid back, but now that I'm not getting that nice commission, it sure came in the nick of time!

I got a full financial aid package (again, will need to be paid back) so that I can complete my senior year for my BSBA. I start on Monday - FIVE COURSES EACH SEMESTER. Egads.

I went to an open house for graduate school - actually - LAW SCHOOL. Call me crazy, but I'm considering it....

I went to the beach twice. That was NICE.

And finally, my "friend"'s cat had kittens - three of them. And they are adorable. They are four weeks old now, and just starting to explore. And yes, I am probably going to take one (hopefully not two!) when they are ready to leave the mom in October. So - that will make a household of me, two kids, my brother, two dogs, two cats, and a TON of fur balls - as I will not be vacuuming again for the next year with my work and school schedule!

Maybe I can knit up the fur?

WTF Wednesday

I am just plain beat up this week.

Had a blow-out with the soon-to-be-ex on Monday night. My brother - who lives many states away - has lost his job. The area he lives in has terrible unemployment rates (about 15%). There are no jobs to be had. I invited him to stay with us and to try and get a job up here so that he can get back on his feet. Basically, the soon-to-be-ex is an a**hole (that's why he is a soon-to-be-ex), and was giving me a hard time about having my brother stay with us. It's all a control thing - the gist of it was that if only we weren't having these marital troubles, and going through a divorce, well, then, it would be just fine if he came up and stayed with us. (Hidden meaning - drop the divorce stuff and then your brother can stay). Not. So that was my Monday night. Of course, the kids heard everything.

Now Tuesday. Has to get better right? I can't have two shitty days in a row, can I??

Background: I have a house that I've had on the market for nearly a year now. It has been one nightmare after another. It finally looks like we are going to be able to close the deal next Tuesday (which will pay for Crabby's tuition).

When the house was winterized last October, the company that provided that "service" didn't actually winterize it. They admitted fault. They came out and fixed all the radiators, but never pressurized the boiler and water lines, and thus it was discovered that *every* pipe in the house had burst. Long story short - got a new buyer; got their deposit money; contacted a plumber to make the repairs prior to this buyer's home inspection. I told the plumbing company that the bank (as it is a short sale) has only allocated $X for the plumbing repairs. They have also allocated $Y for electrical repairs, and $Z for re-insulating, patching the walls & ceilings and painting.

Electrical repairs went fine. Got the invoice for exactly $Y.
Got the bill for the plumbing repair yesterday. It was for $X PLUS $517.

These repairs HAD to be made, otherwise the buyers wouldn't buy the house. And I need that stinkin' commission. All of it. Not my cut MINUS that $517. But, that $517 has to come from somewhere.

So....I am at the house this week painting the walls and ceilings with Kilz, and then with ceiling paint (so that the $517 for the plumber can come out of the $Z). Following me so far????

I worked my day job all day, and headed out to this house around 4pm. Soon-to-be-ex calls me when I'm driving out there, and wants to know if I'll be home for dinner. I told him that I was hoping I'd be done by 8pm, and that I'd eat leftovers when I get home. Didn't finish up for the night until 9pm, and went out for ONE drink, and then home. Had eaten one measly Celeste pizza all day. Go to the fridge (I know he cooked dinner), and NOTHING. No plate; no leftovers; no dinner. Nice. He had cooked *just* enough for him and the kids.

It's okay. I can deal. I decide to have a glass of wine for my supper, and sit down to catch "Saving Grace" (I LOVE that show). Crabby joins me in the living room. Just chit-chatting; she wanted to know where I had been, what I had been doing. I explain to her about all of the above ......

And she says to me, "You're just taking this on because you WANT to. You're doing this because you don't want to be HERE."

Lovely.

Absolutely, honey. I SO want to be painting some effing garage at nine o'clock at night after I've worked a full day already. And knowing that I have at least two more nights of work just like tonight. And Crabby, by the way, I'm doing this for your tuition. In case you forgot.